The Goodbye Girl

a day at the skate park November 23, 2009

Observation:
“Yo! Watch this move, Man…” one teen yells out to another as he lands a kickflip with pure perfection. Another teen skates pass at a steady pace, as he carefully looks the first boy over he comments on how “old” that trick is. The young man calls him out with a typical “Let’s see you do it!” as the second continues to skate by as though to be bothered with proving himself would be a waste of time. The first boy grabs his board and rolls away with a look of uncertainty – he seemed to be trying to figure out if he was mad at this other kid for putting him down or if he was disappointed in himself for his lack of confidence when it came to skateboarding.
It surely must be his lack of confidence, I would have to assume, for I could vouch for the fact that it was not his lack of practice and determination. I had watched him attempt that kickflip, what seemed like hundreds of times, until he finally landed it with seemingly effortless skill. He was proud of himself. It was obvious that he wanted someone else to acknowledge his hard work, someone to say “Wow, I bet I couldn’t do that!” or “Dude that was awesome!” Instead he was left with a “that’s so old” or if you allow me to translate: “That’s all you can do? Is that really your best? You’re a joke – that’s pathetic.” You get the idea. In his mind he was not greeted with the loving affirmation he had so hoped for rather he was met with the nagging feeling of never being good enough. I’m sure he left the smooth feel of the concrete rolling under his board thinking “Yeah, that’s all I had. I worked so hard and no one noticed. No one cared. No one ever cares…Why should they?! Why do I even matter?”
As he skated away I couldn’t help but notice the young ladies gathered in the corner of the fenced in skate park, where sweatshirts were piled high from the sweating young men who needed a place to shed their extra apparel, and where empty cans of Mt. Dew had collected. The girls huddled and gossiped in a quite whisper, with the occasional outburst of laughter (just enough to get the boys attention and let the guys know they were still there after hours of standing there….doing nothing). Seems like they would have stayed home if all they were going to do was stand around and giggle but they were doing so much more than that…
As I focused in on one young girl unparticular, I was saddened by the loneliness that seemed to fill her eyes. She had a smile that could light up the darkest room and as she pulled her long brown hair away from her face the sun reflected off of her flawless skin, she was without a doubt a beautiful girl. What I saw in her was no different then what I have seen a hundred times before in every other girl… a scared, self-conscience, princess that has somehow misplaced her crown and forgotten her worth. It was evident by her skin tight jeans and midriff shirt, though the weather was cold, that she would do anything for someone, anyone, to notice her.

Response:
Everything in me wants to sprinkle some pebbles where that punk kid is skateboarding as I give props to the kickflip king! I wanted to let him know that I care! I watched him attempt that trick, time after scrapped kneed time. I saw how he never backed down no matter how many times he fell (which I blame on his skin tight jeans that started about thigh high) or how many “oh’s” he heard from spectators.
Can I tell you what I saw in this kid?! I saw determination in every failed kickflip to perfect it. I saw persistence with each drop of sweat that dripped from his shaggy blond hair. I saw pure passion as he would throw his head back and his arms up over his head in frustration. I saw a positive attitude in how his smile never seemed to fade with each time he came in contact with the concrete. Why can’t others see this?! I’m sorry, allow me to be more specific…Why can’t adults, teachers, parents, even our Christian leaders within the church, why can they not see these teens they way I do?! Rather why are they not seen through the eyes of their Creator? Why do they look at these skateboarders like they are all rebellious, disrespectful, disobedient, trouble makers? I have been shown more respect by the boy in the oversized Vans sneakers, three sizes too small T-shirt, and eyeliner, than your typical, well groomed, “church” kid.
These girls are no different with their scandalous clothing and behavior. How many times are they labeled as “skanks” and “trash”? Why aren’t women within the church reaching out to these girls and sharing with them God’s love and truth? My heart breaks when I see a young girl searching for her value and worth in the opinion of her peers or in the attention she is shown from a guy. These teens just want someone to notice them and to care about them. They have come to a point of complete desperation and they will seek anyone that will try to fill their void. Maybe that’s why we have so many sixteen year old mothers and suicidal misfits. It’s so easy to walk through life and never notice these kids other than to pass the typical judgment on how worthless they are. Com’ on you know what I’m talking about….we have all seen a teen in passing and thought “what a waste.” I have. I have even been disgusted. Not in appearance or behavior but in contentment. When I see a “church kid” the one raised in church, a leader in youth group, and top athlete at his Christian Academy, just completely content in his walk with the Lord, I have thought “what a waste.” What a waste of potential to serve, to led, to disciple and reach his own generation! I have realized that those teens need to be reached too. It’s not just the ones with the punky hair do’s and wild styles in clothing, it is also the one’s that you sometimes least expect-It is the pastors kid and majority of the Christian High School. What are we doing to reach them too?

Strategy:
I have an awesome group of teenagers back home that are as honest with me as they are with their best friend. I have found that making myself available for them has been a way to reach them. That “open door” policy to life has allowed teens to always feel like they can come to me at any time. They come to me with everything and I have been so blessed by that. The reason they come to me is because they know that I am not a perfect, Christian, without flaw, just trying to produce more cook cutter Christians. They know my story. A friend of mine once told me that “we can’t give God the glory if we don’t tell people where He has brought us from.” I would LOVE for people to see me where I am today but the truth is it was a long road. I want to glorify God and in an effort to do so I allow myself to be real with others- no mask, no charades. When I kicked the pedestal out from under me is when teens came flocking! To think that the blessing I have in being an influential part of their lives all started with a can of Mt. Dew. I would spend hours hanging out at the local skate park and just talking to teens there. I walked over the first time with a huge case of ice cold Mt. Dew, in the middle of a hot summer afternoon. I offered a kid a soda- my only stipulation was that they tell me their name before I handed off the cold refreshment. They began to line up and shout their names before I could even see who it was that spoke up before they rolled off. I began to do that a couple of days throughout the week. My office in the church had a perfect view of the park. When I saw that the park had reached it’s peak I would walk over. Many had noticed that I came from the church and would ask me questions about it like if we had a youth group and when it met. They asked me why I would come there with soda’s and I would tell them that they looked thirsty. They were so thirsty but not only for a liquid that would momentarily quench them but for someone that cared about them enough to share with them the truth. They didn’t just thirst but starved for the truth! They didn’t want it candy coated either. Within a month five of the guys from that skate park began to come faithfully to our youth activities. I spent time with them that went far beyond my 40hrs a week. I developed relationships with them. That is how we reach this generation. What these teens need is quality time, love, truth, sincerity, and grace. That’s what these teens want!. Even now that I am no longer a full time youth director I still have those relationships with my teens. Many of them are in college now themselves and have told me that even though I am not “official” I would always be their youth leader. That has meant more to me than numbers or church attendance. Their hearts are sincere and
they know God’s truth.

For Jake November 14, 2009

Last night I couldn’t shake this…memory…I don’t even know how to describe it…words like “awful” and “ghastly”  don’t seem to fit because there was this silver lining to it…Yet, “fond” or “heartwarming”  is not how I would ever associate the memory either.  I struggle to figure out how to convey this…It was April of 2007 and I was away at college, feeling totally self-absorbed, when I received one of the worst phone calls of my life.  I was in my dorm room with my roommate, Melissa, and one of my friends, Alison,  who was visiting…I scurried into the hall to try and get better service on my cell phone` when the news came… I thanked my friend and agreed to keep him posted on funeral arrangements… I don’t remember hanging up the phone before my knees hit the floor…Jake Hooper had taken his own life. 

Jake Hooper.  I could give you a brief bio on this wayward punk… but that’s not the point of this… you don’t need to know his birthday to know he was far too young, you don’t need to know his family to assume he had a rough upbringing, and you don’t need to know how this kid worked his way into my life to know I will never forget him.

I was with him a week earlier, ironically, it was one of my proudest moments as a youth director and minister to students… he and I sat in the waiting room of the Franklin Co. Court house awaiting the consequential report of his juvenile delinquencies.  He sat humbled with his head hanging between his legs and began to tell ME exactly what he knew I was going to tell him!  I couldn’t help but sit there and smile as Jake said “Becca, I know you’re gonna say…” as he proceeded to lecture himself.  I never said one word about why we were there.  He said it all himself.  It was nice to know that in all the time I spent investing my heart and life into the boy he knew without a doubt where I stood and what I expected.  I left the court house that day feeling grieved for Jake.  He and I both knew he needed to make major changes in his life but he couldn’t seem to escape those “friends” that were keeping him tied to his old life. 

As I sat speechless in the middle of my dorm hall all I could think about was how in some way I must have failed him.  It didn’t stop there, I immediately thought of every teenager I had ministered to and how there must be something more that I could be doing for them… I knew that I could sit on that cold, linoleum floor, all day…all week…and even longer I’m sure…allowing Satan to throw one flaming dart after another into my fragile and breaking heart and that is why I got up.  I called a friend and went for a walk…

In the days leading up to Jake’s funeral service I was in contact with many of the other teens, one in whom Jake was very close to.  I remember in one conversation with her, she kept repeating “I know Jake would have wanted you there Becca, I KNOW” She just kept saying it… over and over…Out of frustration I finally blurted out “AMBER!  Why do you keep saying that?!”  That is when she proceeded to explain to me how for the past week Jake kept telling his friends about me, the youth group, and the church.  He was making statements about how being in youth group were the best days and how they all needed to get their life on track and turn to God… You see, Jake was preparing a way for me to reach a group of teens that would have been virtually impossible without his help.  His death, although unfortunate, was not in vain. 

I remember walking into the room where Jake’s body lay on the afternoon of his funeral…Melissa, my roommate, had accompanied me and I remember her holding my hand as we made our way through the crowd, I squeezed her hand tightly when I looked over at the group of teens literally hanging on Jake’s casket.  They knew nothing of proper “funeral etiquette” or however you want to put it… Amber stood at the head of his casket and brushed her hands over his forehead as to keep the hair off his face… the rest of them stood there, hanging out, almost as if it were someone’s front porch or a street corner and they were just chillin’.

Toward the end of the service the floor was opened to anyone who wanted to share their heart and thoughts about Jake…One of his closest if not best friend walked confidently up to the podium… Since I had gotten there that afternoon, this young man walked tall and acted almost untouched by the loss of his friend, he greeted us with a smile and thanked us for coming.  As I watched him speak with such pride about his friend I thought “no kid should have to pretend to be this tough.”  I had known this young man for years; in fact it was he who introduced Jake to me a couple of years earlier.  I couldn’t tell you what it was Corey said that day as he stood up there and told the room his fondest memories… but I can tell you I will never forget what he did next… Having approached the podium from the right side of the room where he was sitting with friends, he walked from it down the left side of the room, straight to the back where I was standing, almost in a direct path to me… and when he reached me…he just completely collapsed into my arms.  My 5’5 frame holding up his 6’ plus, seemingly lifeless, body.  We held each other and he wept into my shoulder as I told him how much I love him.  In that moment, it felt like it was us against the world.  If you knew even the briefest stint of my trying relationship with this teenager you would vaguely understand how much this moment meant to me. 

Last night when I couldn’t shake this…memory… it was this moment that kept replaying itself over and over in my head… I don’t know why I feel like it’s of any importance… maybe because I feel with great confidence it is God’s reminder that no matter how strong we portray to be we all hit our breaking point and we all need someone to carry us when we can’t walk on our own two feet much less stand.  There have been times in ministry where I have had to be that rock… and looking back I have no idea how in the world I did it.  It wasn’t in my own strength but a testimony of what God can do. 

There are days when I miss the challenges that Jake and Corey bring to the table…

There are days when I wish I was still immersed in youth ministry…

There are days when I feel like I am not living out the passions God has given me…

There is never a day when my heart isn’t yearning with one of the above thoughts.